BIG TIPS

Hothead Paisan's anti-male violence really upsets me

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Yesterday, I worked in the company of a cockatiel. A coworker heard singing in a tree above her, looked up, and saw a lovely yellow bird. She stretched out her finger, and the bird fluttered down to her. And so "Moishe" spent the day singing on his admirer's shoulders, while we searched for his rightful owner. When I arrived home, my housemate had bought a used piano and was trying to pick out a couple of songs, including "Mr. Robin" and “The Little Birds in Springtime,” the music for which had come with the piano, inside the seat.

A 100% true story with a moral: Believe me, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bench.

Dear Big Tipper,

Does it ever seem to you that the ones you love are the ones who hurt you most? My friend Allison and I were hanging around together last night, and she told me she wanted to show me something she had just gotten. She brought out a few copies of the comic Hothead Paisan.

She said she thought they were great and funny, so I started reading one, and I was really upset by how cruel they are. I have lots of friends who are women, and I try very hard to be sensitive to the violence they deal with every day of their lives, but I can't imagine that it makes the world a better place to imagine blowing up men and castrating them.

I feel really sad about how much anger Allison must have. I had no idea. She doesn't understand why I'm upset, and says they're just a joke, but I don't think it's funny. She thinks I'm being hypersensitive. How could this be a good thing in a world that's already full of hatred?

Dear Nothead Paisan,

Cruel World

Here's what it is. Hothead Paisan is a great project by a woman who is, justifiably, pretty darned angry at the sexist, militaristic, racist (etc.) violence against women in the world. It was born in her journals, then she decided to distribute them. It fits into the underground comic/zine scene, and is a tasty bit of free speech, if I must say so.

While not always funny, it blows off steam, and strikes a real chord with lots of gals (and guys) who would never actually bludgeon a Supreme Court "justice," but have been sorely tempted. Over the course of the series, Hothead struggles with her feelings and acts, and is inspired by various more-centered friends and cats.

If numbers matter to you, it is probable that fewer characters have been massacred in 20 issues of Hothead than in one big-budget Hollywood action flick that offers no meditation on the reason for, or impact of, the brutality. Lighten up, my brother: If you don't like it, don't read it.

Dear Big Tipper,

I would really like to avoid having to ask my doctor this question, but is there anything about lube that can make your vulva burn? I'm just recovering from a really uncomfortable day, and as far as I can figure, the only thing I've used that was new was some lubricant that I bought to keep me from getting sore! I think it might be old, and that there might have been bacteria growing in it, but I got a type that specifically said it kills germs, so maybe that's not true. I loved the way the lube felt while I was using it, but I'll certainly stay away if it's not really good for my body.

Pink Lips

Instant Date!!

Dear Puffy Parts,

Ow! It sounds like you've run, puss first, into the cruel joke on the non-reproducing community that is nonoxynol-9. It's the active ingredient in most spermicidal jellies, and it's added to some lubricants as an extra bit of protection, although not in sufficient amount to act as birth control by itself.

A year or two ago, nonoxynol-9 was being pushed, particularly because it kills germs and HIV, and made a nice supplementary defensive moat around the fortress of a condom. Unfortunately, it's chemically a detergent, and it has the same effect on lots of folks' genitals as does sitting in a tub full of Mr. Bubble for a long, long time: pinkness, inflammation, itchiness, etc. Women are particularly susceptible, but I have heard men utter the phrase that most have prayed would never cross their lips: "My penis is on fire." Ironically, if you have this reaction, your skin can become rough and open, thus creating more entry spots for germs, HIV, etc. Most lubes have some anti-bacterial agent added to them already, so if you can avoid nonoxynol-9, do.

Don't stay away from lube, though. Lube rocks, and I think it should be everyone's first sex toy. Go with water-based; not only is it compatible with latex, it also flushes out of folks' nooks and crannies more easily. (Oil can seal in bacteria.) Most of these are water and glycerine, jazzed up with some of our polysyllabic "better sex through chemistry" friends. Read the labels.

Here's a petite parade of nonoxynol-9free lube vitals for your informed shopping pleasure:

Astroglide: The Mac Daddy: thin and slick, stays wet a long time, very neutral taste, propylene glycol, which some folks may be doesn't get tacky too quickly. Does contain sensitive to. The best, but can be expensive. The new packaging features glow-in-thedark lettering.

Slip: It's pink: the Barbie of lubes. Thick and slidy, it stays wet for a pretty long time, and has a slightly sweet taste. Popular, and features "natural flavoring."

Probe: Has a relatively simple list of ingredients: purified water, vegetable glycerine, grapefruit seed extract (anti-bacterial), and polyethylene oxide, “a stable biologically inert compound used in foods." (?) It has an annoying tendency to "cobweb" between your hands and wherever it's being applied, but it has a good record of being gentle.

ID is available both with and without nonoxynol-9, look for the blue bottle with the big silver thumbprint. This is relatively inexpensive and is developing somewhat of a cult popularity. It does contain propylene glycol. It's thick and has a slightly bitter

taste.

Aqualube is pretty easy to find, and Wet features aloe vera gel and vitamin E, along with a host of more mysterious chemicals (Wet's available with and without nonoxynol9 so check the label).

In closing, here are a couple more tips: when the application of lube seems to be gone, just remoisten it with water, and it'll come right back. You can probably do that two times for each application from the bottle. And even though the package will say you can use water-based lube for massage, don't bother. As the water evaporates, it gets cold and sticky. Yuck. Get a nice oil for those shoulder blades and feet. Stay slick.

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com.

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